Exactly a year from now, I experienced the most devastating event of my life. I gave my heart to a beautiful man that I cherished with all my heart…and he brutally smashed it to pieces with one swell swoop. The fact that it happened so suddenly put me in shock and utter panic. I didn’t know how to cope with real loss, so I ended up disappearing as a result. It was a very stupid spur of the moment decision that will forever haunt me. I understand his reasoning for excluding me, in a way. There was no chance for him and I to be something real, since I wasn’t (and still aren’t) able to follow through with manifesting what I wanted into something truly tangible. He wasn’t intentionally excluding me to hurt me; he just wasn’t thinking about me at all. Being the sensitive person that I am, I took it personally and viewed it as a personal threat. So, I did something stupid and ended up getting burned as a result. I’m still not entirely sure why I had to go through such a painful ordeal, but it definitely taught me a lesson about compassion, survival, and to THINK before making irreversible decisions. In so many ways, I didn’t have a choice. I did what I felt was best for the moment, and I reacted. Unfortunately, these actions have dire consequences, and I had to learn the hard way that running away isn’t the answer. It’s never the answer.
Honestly, I had a semi bad feeling about him when he requested my friendship way back in March. Something told me, “this guy is bad news.” But my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know why he was SO insistent on wanting to add me. Low and behold, I fell for his comforting words, his attention…and the trap was set. I was hooked. And just as I started changing, he threw a fast one at me. I’ll never divulge anything here except for my own thoughts about my own tragedy, so I’ll leave it at that. I just felt taken for in so many ways. I was used as a band-aid, and I lost everything because of it. Now some other woman is reaping all the benefits from it, and as far as I’m concerned, her life is perfect. I don’t know her story, but as far as I can see, she’s in Heaven, sent by the Gods to have a wonderful life here on this earth. I know that’s only my ego talking, but I need to somehow justify why her life turned out so much better than mine, at least with finding and achieving her own happiness. Life worked out in her favor, and now they’re both in Heaven. Whereas I’m still struggling just to stay afloat, with little to no knowledge of where my future is headed. Will I forever be destined to live alone? Will I die alone? It scares me beyond comprehension, yet I can’t allow it to drown all hope. I need to believe that God exists for me, too. I don’t think he/she/it would personally ignore me and grant only a few people what they want. For some reason, I’m not supposed to have what I truly want in this life. I’m not sure why, but there has to be a reason for it.
Nothing is random, but I feel so much like a random anomaly in his life, like I really wasn’t supposed to interfere yet it happened anyway. I just want so much to be the love of his life…I want it more than ANYTHING else in this world…more than my own life. Yet I know that this will never, ever happen. If I had a wish that could really come true, this would be my number one selfish request more than anything else this life has to offer. But I’m not Bella Swan. My life will probably not have a happy ending. Yet I still wish upon a distant star that love will prevail and I’ll finally get what I want. Without love, nothing else matters. I just want to be loved by someone who loves me in return. Unfortunately, my heart is only open for one person in this world right now. I can’t let go. It’s impossible no matter how much I’ve tried to put it behind me. Something will always draw me back to him, and I have no freaking idea why. My soul won’t let him go. Why is this so, when I don’t ever foresee a positive outcome between us? Why is my soul so adamant about keeping me chained to him? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. It’s very, very frustrating. Yet I can’t give up on hope. But that means that other people will have to get hurt in return. So, what does this all mean? Why is my soul intentionally trying to hurt me everyday of my life with this constant NEED? Anyway, it’s an endless question that I’ll never find the answer to in this lifetime. I just need to accept the fact that I will always wish for things that I can’t have. It’s nice to think that something will come to fruition with my wishful thinking, but reality rules, and it tells a completely different story. There is nothing to tell.
